Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
