I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
