i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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