You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She bit a glass in half.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
