an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
