I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
