im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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