Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have fence marks all over my body
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
