my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
