Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
