Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
