your parents love me but you hate me
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
