watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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