I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
