Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You're like the curious george of whores
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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