Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
