I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
