I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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