I hate your face
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
