had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
we're so committed to being not committed
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
