I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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