Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
how drunk are you?
Several
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
