Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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