I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I wear drunk well.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
