Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
