3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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