Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
