I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
