I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
