Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Randomize
