in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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