Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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