Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
His nipple licking is glorious
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