you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
