I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
