Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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