Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
