I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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