Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
