Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
