but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
