But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
