this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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