Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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