you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
