Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
