She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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