I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
