hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
