Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
