There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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