they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
